Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
