do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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