I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
