I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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