Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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