having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
