Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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