I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
