you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
