Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
