Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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