Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I need water and some morals
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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