end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Floor bacon is actually really good
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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