I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
