Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
