I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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