Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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