The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize