38 yer olds are good kisserssss
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
