Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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