So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I can't turn off my feet"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
