life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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