Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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