How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
