It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
