Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize