Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
