I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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