??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
