Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize