drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
