Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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