I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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