I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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