someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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