so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
