final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Randomize
