In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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