had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize