I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I need to stop coming to work sober
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize