pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize