I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
