If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
