At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
