the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
she pinky promised me she was 18
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
