I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
