i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize