you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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