My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
