hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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