The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
