I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
