Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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