just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
