my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
