Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
