How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
