I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
