apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
