I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
