There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize