so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize