Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
