Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
