She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
