If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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